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The Hobbit 2
(Linkara is standing in front of his Christmas tree, wearing his Christmas attire) Linkara: Hello, and welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn. We continue our look at the journey of a small creature in its efforts to smoke weed and steal money from squatters. (Cut to black) Linkara (v/o): (dramatically) Last time on "The Hobbit"... (A montage of shots of the first comic is shown as Linkara gives a recap) Linkara (v/o): Bilbo Baggins, hobbit and resident of the Shire, is bullied into accompanying a party of twelve dwarves, only one of whom is important. Despite numerous brushes with death in regards to creatures much larger than him, who are all obsessed with eating him, Bilbo has survived and fallen down a hole, separated from his companions. After finding a ring randomly in a cave that probably isn't important at all, Bilbo encountered this walking and talking advertisement for skin lotion named Gollum. The two are to play a game with riddles. If Bilbo wins, Gollum will show him the way out. If Gollum wins, he gets to eat Bilbo. Linkara: Damn it, if only Bilbo had some Hostess Fruit Pies to offer instead! Let's dig into (holds up today's comic) "The Hobbit #2" and see just how Bilbo gets himself out of this situation. (beat) Unless you're already familiar with the story and... (awkwardly) thus know the answer to that and don't really care. (''AT4W title sequence plays. Title card has "O-O-H Child" by The Five Stairsteps playing in the background. Cut to a closeup of the comic's cover)'' Linkara (v/o): The cover is good for the most part, depicting of course the most remembered scene of "The Hobbit" across any medium: the meeting of Gollum and Bilbo. It's this meeting that's responsible for the "Lord of the Rings" series, although, amusingly enough, this is actually changed from the original book. The version most people have was altered from the first edition of the book as a result of the changed premises made for the "Lord of the Rings" series. Originally, Gollum bets the ring in this game of riddles. Linkara: (dramatically) "Lord of the Retcons"! Linkara (v/o): Really, my only problem with the cover is how close Gollum and Bilbo are to each other. The problem with having my biggest exposure and interest of the universe be the Peter Jackson movies is that I full expect Gollum to leap out and bite Bilbo's nose off, since he's so close. Also, in this version, Gollum actually has pants. Neat. (The comic opens to the first page) Linkara (v/o): We open with... a bit of a change from the individual issues to the collected edition. Yeah, it was a pain in the ass last week to try to scan this comic, since it's a prestige format book, meaning it has a spine, so I got myself scans. But the scans are from the collected edition. In the collected edition, Bilbo just voices his agreement to the game, since it follows directly on from the last issue, whereas the original issue opens with a bit of a narration recap of what happened previously, as well as Gollum reiterating his lines from the first issue. Linkara: Novels, comics, movies, TV shows; it doesn't matter, retcons are a proud tradition of our media! Linkara (v/o): Anyway, Bilbo gets going with his first riddle. Bilbo: Thirty white horses on a red hill, first they champ, then they stamp, then they stand still. Linkara: (as Gollum) Oh, well, that's easy. It's, uh... (stops, confused, then jumps at the camera in frustration) Gollum: Chestnuts, chestnuts. Linkara: You see?! This story is totally Christmasy! Gollum: Teeth! Teeth! My preciousss; but we has only six! Linkara: "To the Dentist and Back Again: A Hobbit's Tale". Linkara (v/o): The riddles continue like that, back and forth, their difficulty increasing. That being said, I understand completely why it was cut down so much in the film version, because it's hard to make guys sitting around, trying to solve a riddle, into a tense sequence when there's really nothing stopping Bilbo from stabbing Gollum and forgetting the whole thing. Narrator: Imagine you know the answer, of course, or can guess it as easy as winking, since you are comfortably at home and have not the danger of being eaten to disturb your thinking. Linkara (v/o): Yeah, except Bilbo looks positively bored! He looks like Gollum just asked him why the chicken crossed the road. And speaking of the "pretend you don't know the answer" thing, that's another children's book thing, but I have to say, for a children's book, these riddles are ridiculous! Most of these are fine. Abstract, yes, but on a high difficulty. But then, what the hell is with this riddle? Bilbo: No-legs lay on one-leg, two-legs sat near on three-legs, four-legs got some. Linkara: (incredulously) What child would ever get that?! Hell, what adult would get that?! Even looking at the actual answer, I was baffled how anyone could arrive at it! And don't tell me you got it the first time! No, you didn't! It's completely inconsistent with how the rest of the game has gone! Linkara (v/o): The answer is, "Fish on a table, man at table sitting on a stool, and the cat gets the bones." For starters, tables usually have four legs and people usually sit on chairs and not stools, and either way, it tends to be four legs regardless, so the riddle is already bizarre because it requires thinking about exceptions, rather than what you'd normally think of! Secondly, "the cat gets the bones"? "Bones" is not the same as "some", unnless this proverbial in the riddle is trying to kill his cat! And finally, this riddle is particularly bizarre because all the other riddles except one, but I'll get to that, have a single-word answer to them: "time", "mountain", "wind", etc. The only other exception is "the sun on the daisies", but honestly, the way that riddle is worded, you could just go with "the sun". The riddle is bullcrap, and Gollum should've thrown a rock at Bilbo for it. Anyway, let's get to the gist of it: Bilbo runs out of riddles and as he's had more difficulty thinking of the answers, Gollum has gotten closer to him, now resembling the cover, but in a much more menacing manner than what we saw there. Gollum: It's got to ask uss a question, my preciouss, yes, yess, yesss. Jusst one more quesstion to guess, yes, yess. Linkara: (as Bilbo, struggling to come up with something) Uh... Uh, okay, I've got it, I've got it! (clears throat) Why is it pronounced "debris" when there's an S in it? Shouldn't it be "debris"? (pronounces it "deb-riss", then points to his own head in an "I'm thinking" motion, nodding) Narrator: But Bilbo simply could not think of any question with that nasty wet cold thing sitting next to him, and pawing and poking him. Linkara: Actual experience of any woman at a comic convention. Linkara (v/o): Bilbo finally figures out the best question to ask: what does he have in his pocket? Gollum is of course flummoxed even after being given three guesses. And after he gets it wrong, Gollum is pissed and wants to know what it is that he's got "in its pocketses". Linkara: You know, why did Gollum develop the speech impediment? Was that actually Sauran's thing and it just got carried over onto the ring? (suddenly, an idea comes to him) Hmm, there's an idea, if he actually created the Ring of Power just to fix the way he talked and things got a little out of hand. Linkara (v/o): Gollum finally agrees to lead Bilbo out, but he wants to grab some stuff first; in particular, his "birthday present". In case you're unfamiliar with the story of Gollum, just like with character names, even objects and places need to have multiple names, so Gollum calls it his "precious" and his "birthday present" because he found the ring on his birthday. People have pointed out that the names thing is in conjunction with Norse mythology; in particular, the Poetic Edda. I'll be getting to that in a bit, but let's focus on the creepy little monster person who likes shiny things. See, he can't seem to find his birthday present. And since Bilbo won't tell him what he's "gots in his pocketseseses", Gollum quickly puts two and two together. I'm still curious how the hell he lost the thing so far away from the lake when he's so obsessed with keeping it close to him. Linkara: I mean, yeah, I guess it's possible he dropped the thing so far away, but look at this guy! (shot of Gollum, looking on in wide-eyed shock, appears in the corner) Does he really seem like the kind of person who would go off on his own to McGondor's for a burger? Linkara (v/o): But yeah, Gollum charges at Bilbo and he decides to make a run for it, slipping his hand into his pocketseses and putting the ring on. To his surprise, he turns invisible. Oh, and indeed, Gollum admits he dropped the ring when he... Gollum: ...twisted that nassty young squeaker. Linkara: (confused) Gollum killed a chew toy? Linkara (v/o): With Bilbo invisible, Gollum figures he'll head back to the actual escape route, but unfortunately, he exposits this out loud, letting Bilbo follow him, shove him aside, and make his exit, all the while Gollum shrieking that he's a thief. Bilbo briefly considers killing Gollum, but is overcome with pity for the miserable being. Linkara: Hey, don't feel too bad for him. He seems happy enough. He gets to set his own hours, he owns his own home, and he's got plenty of fresh fish to eat. Plus, he's got pants. He's living the dream! Linkara (v/o): Using the invisibility granted by the magic ring, Bilbo is able to make his way past the remaining goblins searching for the dwarves and then outside. He manages to catch up to the dwarves, still invisible, and overhears them talking about him. Thorin: (to Gandalf) He has been even more trouble than you so far. If we have got to go back now into those abominable tunnels to look for him, then drat him, I say. (Cut to a clip of ''Suburban Knights)'' Spoony: What's the elvish word for "prat"? (Cut back to the comic) Linkara (v/o): Also, "drat him"? Is that a dwarf thing or a British thing? I mean, yeah, children's story and fantasy world, no swearing, but not even "Fi on him" or something? In addition, the only trouble he got you into was with the trolls... which you guys sent him on instead of going yourselves, and he woke you up to warn you about the goblins. You guys have been taken prisoner twice now and needed others to rescue you! In any event, Gandalf wants to go back for him, but Bilbo decides to make his presence known. Narrator: They wanted to know all about his adventures after they had lost him... Linkara: Well, single adventure, we should say, since the grand total of things he did was, (holds up index finger) tell riddles to Gollum and (holds up two fingers) sneak past some goblins. Narrator: Bilbo told them everything– except about the finding of the ring ("not just now" he thought). Linkara: Good on you, man. They were willing to leave you behind and were complain about you when they thought you couldn't hear. Probably best to keep a few tricks up your sleeve. Linkara (v/o): Gandalf seems a little suspicious on how he was able to sneak past the goblins, but they otherwise realize they have to get a move-on, since the goblins will probably be after them come nightfall. Linkara: I wouldn't worry too much about that. The goblins have to work overtime to turn this entire place into the town of Nilbog. Linkara (v/o): You know, scenes like this would have been a perfect opportunity for some character fleshing-out, with some dwarves willing to go back for him Bilbo for various reasons and others not so willing for other reasons. A lot of people have been pointing out that the number of dwarves and their lack of characterization is actually meant to be a throwback or homage to older Norse styles of storytelling. "Beowulf" in particular was brought up by several people for parallels. Well, that's great! And I don't care, because I'm not reading this "novel" because I want to see how terribly "clever" the writer is in style; I'm here to read a "novel" in modern times, even these then-modern times of when it was written. And I'm curious why exactly he Tolkien couldn't both homage it and still tell a compelling story, with thorough characterization for a larger group of characters. Someone else have brought up that seven is a good luck number for dwarves. Fantastic! Have it be five dwarves, Gandalf, and then Bilbo is needed to be the seventh. Less characters, more room for individuals, still can have funny names for the kids, fill a significant party member for the cast, and if some do get left out, well, it doesn't feel as silly as leaving out eleven entire people without dialog or character! Plus, it makes more sense to split a treasure seven ways than fourteen. Linkara: Now, let me make something clear here: the story is still good and I'm still enjoying it. I'm just approaching this with my own biases and beliefs about how this sort of thing should be told. You do not require my vindications to like or dislike something. I'm just the guy who's making drug addict jokes about the hairy-footed guy's tobacco. Linkara (v/o): Unfortunately, they're not on their journey too long before they're set upon by a new threat: wolves. Or rather, a Middle Earth variant called "Wargs". The Wargs are actually very intelligent and sometimes allies of the goblins, able to communicate with them and plan raids of nearby villages and the like. The party flees by climbing up some trees since fighting wasn't an option with their lack of weaponry and overwhelming opposition. Fortunately, they do have their own weaponry on hand: GRENADES! (Cut to another clip of ''Suburban Knights)'' Spoony: (aiming a rifle) Enjoy the fireworks! (fires) (Back to the comic again) Linkara (v/o): Well, to be accurate, Gandalf grabs some pinecones, uses magic to light them up, and starts chucking them down at the Wargs, setting a bunch of them on fire. All the commotion attracts goblins... but also a pack of giant eagles. Okay, let's talk about the damn birds and my problem with them. Everyone always love to bring up the "But why didn't they just have the eagles drop the ring off directly in Mordor-thing?" That's bullcrap, not only because the book explains why they wouldn't, but even within the movies, that doesn't make any sense. Sauron has people riding around on the backs of friggin' dragons! And don't tell me that's not a dragon; you know what I mean! Sauron has air support! And even he didn't have any air support, I think that big-ass eye in a tower would spot a big-ass bird heading toward a volcano! And he has archers! Lots of archers! Archers with really decent aim! Plus all the other fairly sophisticated siege weaponry that we start seeing in the movies. Simply put, the birds would be dead if they got anywhere near Mount Doom. Plus, I didn't see any friggin' birds at the Council of Elrond! Either they didn't care or they weren't invited. Either way, this criticism is bullcrap and I hate it! No, here's my problem with the eagles in the movies: they don't explain them! Gandalf gets saved by an eagle in the first film, eagles come in to help in the last film, eagles help rescue the party in the first Hobbit film, but the movies never explain a damn thing about them! It's just "Oh, by the way, giant eagles exist – just FYI." And here's something where I will give all the credit to the "Hobbit" book for over the movie version, because both the novel and the comic ACTUALLY BOTHER TO EXPLAIN THE DUMB BIRDS!! Gandalf saved the leaders' life a long time ago, the birds can talk and they can reason, and while they're willing to help carry them up a little of the way, they don't want to risk themselves getting anywhere close to a human settlement that might shoot at them by accident. Linkara: Although, I wouldn't worry too much about that, dude. Worst they'll do is pull out coat hangers on ya. Gandalf: But in the meantime we are famished with hunger. Bilbo: I am nearly dead of it. Eagle: That can perhaps be mended. Linkara: (as eagle) Unrelated, Mr. Baggins, but do you happen to taste better with barbecue sauce or horseradish? Linkara (v/o): So after some more flight the next morning, they're off again, saying farewell to the eagles after the flight. Narrator: Bilbo never saw them again–except high and far off in the battle of Five Armies. But as that comes in at the end of this tale we will say no more about it just now. Linkara: (incredulously) Then why the hell did you bring it up?! Linkara (v/o): Gandalf informs the group that sadly, he's only going to accompany them to the edge of the Mirkwood Forest. Gandalf: I may look in on it again before it is all over, but in the meanwhile I have some other pressing business to attend to. Linkara: (as Gandalf, wearing a long beard again) Look, it's a long story, but there's this necromancer that's squatting on this land I've invested some money into. Could be a thing. Need to go take care of it right now. Linkara (v/o): However, before he goes, he has to ensure the party is taken care of, since all their supplies got left behind in the mountain. As such, he's going to bring them to a shapeshifter he knows of who may be able to assist. But first... Bilbo: These bees are so big, if one were to sting me I should swell up as big again as I am! (Cut to Linkara's review of "Amazons Attack #3", showing Batman's reaction to the bee weapon) Batman: (audio from review) A deadly bee weapon... Bees. My God. (Cut back to the "Hobbit" comic) Linkara (v/o): I'm gonna pretty much skim over this bit, since it's not really not all that important. He's heard of the shapeshifter named Beorn from Radagast the Brown. Pretty much his only mention in the actual book. There's an amusing bit where, instead of bringing the entire party down at once, he just keeps bringing them two at a time in order to not overwhelm the guy with so many at once, distracting Beorn with the story of their adventure up to this point. It's hard to give any criticism of his translation to the big screen, because the final Hobbit film isn't out yet here, and thus I don't know how it'll play, but he is a different sort of character. Here, he's friendly and fairly jovial, if serious when he needs to be, while in the film, he's somber and distrustful due to a tragic backstory. But whatever, we've still got twenty more pages to burn through. Beorn warns them not to stray from the path for any reason while they're in Mirkwood and to not drink or bathe in the water. Beorn: ...for I have heard that it carries enchantment and a great drowsiness and forgetfulness. Linkara: (as Beorn) I've only heard about it, but I... (becomes sleepy) can't seem to remember where I heard it from... (suddenly yawns) Oh, man, I must not have gotten very much sleep last night. Linkara (v/o): And thus, at the edge of Mirkwood, they part company with their ponies as Beorn had asked for their return and with Gandalf as he heads south to do his thing. I'm not sure what Tolkien had originally intended the reason to be for Gandalf to head off like this, but it ultimately works to the story's benefit. Gandalf, as I said last time, basically acts as a kind of repeated deus ex machina for the group, either rescuing them or, as we saw, leading them to Beorn. Without Gandalf, it requires Bilbo to step up and actually be a hero in his own right in Mirkwood. And OH, MY GOD, MIRKWOOD! This was a bit of a slog to get through while reading the book. Basically, it is a looooong journey through the place, and it sucks for them! They start running out of food and water; strange, nightmarish noises; pitch blackness at night; a pervading sense of anxiousness; it's a pretty hellish environment. And that would be fine, and the coloring in the comic gives it this yellowish tint that's altogether an unpleasant, unhealthy idea, but no, the problem in the book is the complaining! I get what Tolkien is going for and how it's beating the party down so Bilbo saving them can be that much more heroic, (becomes more than a little annoyed) but my God, nothing drags your story to a screeching halt more than when your characters start to complain about every single friggin' thing! Linkara: (mock whiny voice) "I'm hungry!" "I'm tired!" "I don't have a cool breeze!" "It's too dark!" "It's too cold!" "I wish I was back home in bed!" "I wish I didn't even go on this trip!" "I can't even touch the evil black water that will put me into a coma!" (becomes angry) GET ON WITH IT!! Linkara (v/o): It's also not helped by the narration informing us that (narrator voice) if they had just known how damn close they were to being out, this would be fine, (normal again) as if to just rub it in their faces how screwed they are. At one point, the very overweight Bombur falls into a river and goes to sleep for four days, requiring them to drag him along on the trip. Fortunately, we're spared most of the whining in the comic version. What does happen is that they keep seeing gatherings of elves off the path and they finally, desperately decide to stray from the path in the hopes of getting food. But each time they approach, the elves just disappear. However, these are not illusions or mirages, as we later discover; the elves are just being dicks to them. And yet, the book at one point describes elves as being "good people". But let's get into what we're really all here for in fantasy: giant spiders! In the darkness and unrelenting atmosphere of Mirkwood, Bilbo is separated from the others and falls asleep. A giant spider comes down and starts wrapping him up in webbing to eat later, but fortunately, Bilbo awakens and shoves his sword right in the spider's head! Narrator: Somehow the killing of the giant spider, all alone by himself in the dark without the help of the wizard or the dwarves or of anyone else, made a great difference to Mister Baggins. He felt a different person, and much fiercer and bolder in spite of an empty stomach. Linkara: This was the beginning of Bilbo's career as a serial killer. Bilbo: (to his sword) I will give you a name and I shall call you Sting. Linkara: (shrugs) I would've gone with "Face Stabber" myself, but that's just me. Linkara (v/o): Bilbo comes upon a nest of the giant spiders, discovering the other dwarves have all been captured. Naturally, since everything in this land talks, the spiders can, too. Linkara: The universal topic among all races of Middle Earth... is food. Linkara (v/o): Using his magic ring, Bilbo goes invisible and starts chucking rocks at the spiders to get them to leave the dwarves alone. He's got a damn good arm, too. The narration says that two of the spiders fall dead from his rock throwing. You know, if this burglar thing doesn't work, Bilbo could probably have a fruitful career in baseball. Bilbo leads the spiders off and infuriates them both by chucking more rocks at them, but also making up a song on the spot to mock them. But what could he possibly sing to distract them? Linkara: (singing) Ooh, child, things are gonna get easier... Ooh, child, things'll get brighter... Linkara (v/o): Bilbo doubles back and gets to work freeing the dwarves. They quickly come up with a plan: a combination of Bilbo's invisibility and them gathering rocks and sticks to finally kill all the spiders. He reveals the existence of the ring to them and fills in the gaps of the story, and fortunately, nobody blames him for keeping it a secret. Unfortunately, they also soon realize that Thorin is gone. The narration quickly fills us in. Like Bilbo, he had been separated from the others, but in his case, he was captured by the other inhabitants of Mirkwood besides giant spiders: wood elves. He's brought before their king Thranduil, who is decidedly less snooty and fabulous-looking than his movie counterpart, and unfortunately, the movie cut out this awesome bit of dialog exchange. King Thranduil: Why did you and your folk twice try to attack my people at their merry-making? Thorin: We did not attack them. We came to beg, because we were starving. Thranduil: Where are your friends now, and what are they doing? Thorin: I don't know, but I expect starving in the forest. Thranduil: What were you doing in the forest? Thorin: Looking for food and drink, because we were starving. Linkara: (as Thranduil, wearing a crown of leaves like him) But I don't get it. Why did you stray from the path? (as Thorin) FOOD! STARVING TO DEATH! CAN I PLEASE HAVE SOME FOOD?! (as Thranduil) I don't understand this. He's speaking some strange foreign language. (as Thorin) BY DURIN'S BAIN, IS THAT CROWN SQUEEZING YOUR HEAD TOO TIGHT OR SOMETHING?!? Linkara (v/o): When he refuses to explain what they were doing in the Mirkwood to begin with, he's imprisoned, and soon the other dwarves captured as well. Bilbo once again evades this fate with the ring. Man, the dwarves are captured so many times, you'd think they were all named Jonathan Archer. They too are brought before Thranduil... Thrandool... Thrandar... Linkara: (confused) I don't care. Linkara (v/o): ...brought before King Link from Legend of Zelda, who complains about their presence. Thranduil: It is a crime to wander in my realm, without leave, using the road that my people made. Did you not pursue and trouble my people in the forest and rouse the spiders with your riot and clamour? Linkara: Maybe they would have left you alone if you had said "Hi" instead of just rudely teleporting away! How did you do that anyway? Linkara (v/o): They're locked in separate cells, but Bilbo is able to get the lay of the land and come up with an escape plan, lifting keys off a guard while said guard is busy drinking some heavy wine in the midst of a party and falls asleep. He then frees all the dwarves while the elves are distracted by the party and leads them to lower areas of the castle, which has an opening into the river where they drop out empty wine barrels. The barrels are then tied together by the elves and floated over to the nearby town on a lake called... uh, Lake-town, right near the edge of the Lonely Mountain, their final destination. The dwarves get into the barrels and are easily tossed down... except for Bilbo, who forgot that there was nobody on hand to secure a lid on a barrel for himself, so he had to just cling to a barrel in the icy cold water and float down with them. Somehow surviving potential pneumonia, he evaded some of the elves along the shore, who overheard his wet footsteps, and finally onto the raft they had made of the barrels. And so, our comic ends with them beginning to move the raft towards Lake-town. Elf 1: This is a heavy load! They float too deep–some of these are never empty. If they had come ashore in the daylight, we might have had a look inside. Elf 2: No time now! Shove off! (Cut to the ''Mystery Science Theater 3000 gang watching Red Zone Cuba)'' Mike and the Bots: You shove off! Linkara: (holding up comic) This comic, like the first issue, is still really good. Linkara (v/o): It does have a singular failing, though. You probably didn't notice it because I didn't bring it up during the majority of the recap, mostly because of how long this is already, but there is a lot of text in this one, more so than the first issue. Just tons and tons of narration lifted from the novel. And that's perfectly fine for the purposes of the adaptation since a lot of the book doesn't actually have direct dialogue, but there's just so much of it in this book. It crowds out a lot of the artwork, and some of it you don't really need to have, like the bit I joked about earlier about mentioning the future Battle of the Five Armies. Linkara: Speaking of, next time, we conclude our look at the "Hobbit" comics, and I offer my sincere apologies for not being able to give any thoughts on the final movie of the trilogy since it won't be out by then. But hey, at least I'll be able to spoil it for anybody who doesn't know anything about the story going into it! (smiles, then becomes confused) Wait... TO BE CONTINUED (End credits roll) I actually prefer that in the movies, he doesn't reveal the ring to the dwarves. It seems like word of it would have gotten to Gandalf sooner if he had told anyone about it. I know why "debris" is spelled like that. It's a reference. You don't need to explain it to me. (Stinger: Dr. Linksano is looking over some controls in his hands) Dr. Linksano: "Get it done before Christmas," he says. Bah! As if I haven't been working on this in my spare time! Oh, wait, I haven't. Bah! I just think he should've just let me work on Pollo's new voice. Maybe I'm just complaining because this is so beneath me. (From behind him, unbeknownst to him, someone or something sneaks up on him) Dr. Linksano: I've already done this before myself. I want to work on new projects, not rehashing old ones for others. It's so dull for me that I'm liable to start talking to myself! (Suddenly, whoever it was that was sneaking up from behind puts a gun to his head. It's a woman in a dark leather jacket and dark sunglasses. Linksano is fearful for his life) Woman: I detected the dimensional anomalies. Don't try to deny he's here. I have one question for you: (presses gun against Linksano's head) Where... is... Jaeris?! (end) Category:Content Category:Guides Category:AT4Wguides Category:Transcripts